What upsets you? Do you get upset if someone breaks a promise to you?  Where does the upset come from?  And how can you use outer experiences to learn more about what is going on inside of you? 

Definition of Psychological Projections

According to Wikipedia, psychological projection is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually onto other people.  Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings. 

In other words, If You Spot It, You Got It.  Think about it.  You cannot experience a feeling if you do not have an actual inner experience of that feeling. 

“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.”  James Allen (1855-1942)

Disowned Aspects of Self

Negative thoughts and feelings stem from judgments. For example, if you are upset because someone breaks a promise to you then you judge them as bad or wrong.  

Let’s put If You Spot It, You Got It (or projections) into practice.  In this case of a broken promise, you can look at whether:

1)     You exhibit the same behavior with others- do you break promises to others?
2)     You exhibit the same behavior within yourself- do you break promises to yourself?
3)     You can see yourself doing the very thing you are judging- would you break a promise to someone if something more urgent came up?
4)     You trust the universe to provide for you regardless of what others may do- what is your trust level?

Can you see that you cannot have a feeling without having a relationship with that feeling? Do you disown aspects of yourself and project them onto others?

“It is wrong to think that misfortunes come from the east or from the west; they originate within one’s own mind.  Therefore, it is foolish to guard against misfortunes from the external world and leave the inner mind uncontrolled.”  Buddha (563-483 B.C.)

So What Do You Do?

When you find yourself upset (judging) be aware that while you are pointing one finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing at you.  This is an opportunity for you to take responsibility for your feelings, approach the situation in a more emotionally mature and calm way, be more compassionate with yourself and others, and cultivate better personal and professional relationships. 

The Good News

The good news is that projections work both ways!  If you experience someone as kind and joyful it is because you have the inner experience of kindness and joy.  See the best in others (or at least not judge) and, in a way, you are really doing yourself a favor!

As always, comments welcome.  The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site.  Your email address will NOT appear.  If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL), it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: idhren

How many thoughts do you have each day?   Should you believe everything you think?  Can your very own thoughts sabotage you?  How can you have more positive thoughts?

Number of Thoughts per Day

It is estimated that we have between 12,000- 60,000 thoughts per day.  This range is attributed to factors such as your level of creativity, personal and professional problem solving requirements, whether you tend to be a thinker, and your career.   At an average of 36,000 thoughts per day, we have a thought every 2.5 seconds.  What a great opportunity to fill your day with positive thoughts!

Train of Thought

Thoughts tend to build upon each other.  It is not likely that after having a thought like “this is not going well”, that you would have the thought “things are in harmony.”  Thoughts, positive or negative, connect to each other like compartments of a train- they pull each other along in the same direction.

Watch your thoughts and get on the positive thought-train going in a positive direction. Once you are on the train, stay on it for as long as you can.  You have complete power over your thoughts, so why not get on the best train as often, and for as long, as you can? It’s your choice.

Thoughts and Results

We navigate our lives, take action, and make decisions based on our thoughts; however, we unconsciously think and do things throughout most of the day. In many ways, this is a good thing.  For example, it would not be effective or efficient to learn how to drive each time you get into your car. 

On the other hand, being on cruise control, or living without conscious intention, may cause you to drive yourself into a ditch!  Your relationship with yourself and others may not be as harmonious as you would like.  Or perhaps your results and outcomes may not be as optimal as you would like. 

Since thoughts precede every action, and action determines results…choose your thoughts well. 

“The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them.” Albert Einstein

Thoughts and Emotions

Since thoughts and feelings reinforce each other, the more peaceful your thoughts, the more peaceful your feelings and vice versa. You are more likely to make better decisions if you are at peace.  If you are not sure of what you are thinking, pay attention to how you are feeling. 

How to Cancel Negative Thoughts: Cancel, Cancel Technique

The goal is to increase the quantity of positive thoughts throughout your day- every day.  If you have a negative thought firmly and gently say “cancel, cancel” silently to yourself.  If your first thought is negative or judgmental, why not give yourself the opportunity to have a second thought? 

Some techniques use a single “cancel”, or“stop”, or “no more.”   I like “cancel, cancel” because it shows that I mean business, it does not potentially delay or judge your current thought, and it doesn’t give unnecessary power to your thought.

Very Smart Girls choose their thoughts well.

Any thoughts?   The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site.  Your email address will NOT appear.  If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL),  it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: ramson

Do you sometimes want to know the answer to something, or the outcome of a situation, right NOW?   Do you sometimes rush to get a project, or an errand, done?  Do you sometimes walk as if you are walking through a bad neighborhood when you are not?  In your hurry, do you sometimes break a dish, make a mistake, or feel anxious?  

In a Hurry…in a Worry?

When you are in a hurry, it is likely that worry, or another negative emotion, is present.  I’m not talking about the “I have 10 minutes to get to my appointment” hurry where the root cause is typically a time management issue (see “Time Management & Time Consciousness”).  I’m talking about self-imposed hurry that comes from an emotional or mental place.  Examples include “I need to work faster (to be/feel valued)” or “I need to have the answer now (to be/feel in control).”

Perhaps you are in a hurry to talk to someone, to state your “case”, to produce a result, to get an answer, or to know why something did or didn’t happen.  This type of hurry comes from a place of fear, desire to control someone or something, or anxiety. 

“Do not be in a hurry to tie what you cannot untie.” Proverb

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”  St. Francis de Sales

What is Going on?

What are we really doing when we are in a hurry?  Maybe we should look at what we are not doing when we are in a hurry.  We are not in acceptance, we are not living in the present moment, we are not patient, we are not trusting, and we are not calm or patient.  Being in a hurry does not yield the best decisions, outcomes or relationships.  Your best decisions and outcomes are typically realized when you are calm, accepting, and patient.  Please see “Acceptance and Patience.”

“No one can get inner peace by pouncing on it.”  Harry Emerson Fosdick

Life = Experiences

We are the sum of our experiences, so why rush through your life experiences?  If you want the future to be now, then you are missing the experience of the present; essentially, you are missing your life. 

Sometimes it is best to take the slow road and enjoy the ride, the scenery, and your fellow travelers.

Very Smart Girls pause when they find themselves in a hurry.

I would love to hear your thoughts. The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site.  Your email address will NOT appear.  If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL),  it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: fatboyke (Luc)

Related posts:

1. Acceptance and Patience
2. Serenity
3. Breathing is Not an Option

“Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

On my way to write an article about patience I discovered a significant prerequisite for peace of mind and patience – acceptance.  After all, how can you be patient if you don’t acknowledge and accept what is present in your life?  When you resist or judge reality your outer world will reflect your inner discomfort.

Acceptance versus Chaos

Try this.  Say the word acceptance out loud.  Do you feel a sense of peace, grace and relief?  Acceptance rides on the calming energy of knowing that everything is exactly as it should be.  The opposite is to believe that life is haphazard and chaotic; this belief will not lead to patience, peace of mind and joy.  Accept what is.  Better yet, embrace what is.

Acceptance is a Choice- Your Choice

Your current life situation may not be your preference, and you may want to change things in your life; however, you must start with accepting what is present.  Acceptance is not apathy.  It is a choice and the choice is yours to make.  Specifically, do not judge yourself, others, what is present in your life or the world in which we live.

Non-judgmental acceptance is a prerequisite for patience, calmness, happiness and successful personal and professional relationships. 

Acceptance is a strong branch to perch on, especially in high winds.  Very Smart Girls accept without exception.

Quotes on Acceptance and Patience

∞ “Happiness can exist only in acceptance.” Eleanor Roosevelt

∞ “Our entire life consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as we are.”  Jean Anouilh

 ∞ “Accept yourself as you are.  Otherwise you will never see opportunity.  You will not feel free to move toward it; you will feel you are not deserving.”  Maxwell Maltz

∞ “To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly.” Eckhart Tolle

 ∞ “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.  I will meet you there.” Rumi

 ∞ “Patience is the companion of wisdom.”  Saint Augustine

 ∞ “A man who is the master of patience is the master of everything else.” George Savile 

∞  “He that can have patience can have what he will.”  Benjamin Franklin

∞ “The years teach much what the days never know.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

photo credit: John A Ryan

As always, comments welcome!  The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site.  Your email address will NOT appear.  If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL),  it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

Related posts:

1. Acceptance Poem
2. Quotes about Acceptance
3. In a Hurry…In a Worry?

You’re going to breathe all day anyway, so why not make the best of it?  Studies show, and eastern cultures have known for centuries, that proper breathing habits can increase calmness. And the great news is that you have personal control of your breathing habits, you can practice rain or shine, and it’s free!

The Power of your Breath 

Here’s one way to look at the power of your breath.  You can live weeks without food. You can live days without water. You cannot live at all without breathing (oxygen).  Breathing provides life, so it makes sense that the better you breathe, the better you live.

In addition to facilitating calmness, studies show that effective breathing habits can reduce stress, help relax your mind and body, increase your energy level and improve general well-being. 

“A healthy mind has an easy breath.” Author unknown
“He lives most life whoever breathes most air.” Elizabeth Barrett Browning
“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Breathing is Not an Option and that is a very good thing.

Breathing Techniques

Since the concept of proper breathing is not new, there are many educational resources available to you including books, videos, DVDs, CDs and workshops.  Also, many yoga and meditation classes include a conscious breathing component. 

I practice diaphragmatic (abdominal) breathing because, for me, it’s effective and easy to remember.  Basically, I breathe like a baby or young child – deeply, slowly and fully.  I know I am breathing effectively when my stomach is relaxed and it moves and out with my breath; my stomach expands when I breathe in and contracts when I breathe out.

Let’s look at the opposite of deep breathing.  Have you ever noticed how shallow and fast you breathe when you are angry, upset or anxious?

“Barking dogs do not breathe deeply.” Jo-Ann Downey (me)

Practice When it’s Easy

Examples of when it may be easier to practice include: 

• when you first wake up
• in the shower
• driving
• on an airplane, bus, subway or train
• taking a walk
• sitting in a meeting at work
• doing a hobby
• waiting for appointments
• standing in line

Please refer to “2 Essential Guidelines to Create a New Habit” and “Practice When it’s Easy” for additional tips.

Breathing Habits from Others

Be careful not to pick up the breathing habits of others.   Be aware if someone is breathing in a shallow or rapid fashion.  It’s easy to unconsciously mirror their behavior, so be careful.  On the other hand, if you are breathing deeply and fully, they may just follow your lead.

Very Smart Girls know that Breathing is Not an Option, so breathe for your highest benefit.

I’m interested in your thoughts- comments welcome.  The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site.  Your email address will NOT appear.  If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL),  it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: Wooooody

Related posts:

1. Take a Hike…Really!

Do you want to live more in the moment, but don’t know exactly how to do it?  Have you heard that living in the moment can bring you more calmness and joy?  Would you like to live less in the past, less in the future, or both?  One practical way to be present is to stop comparing.  

Being Present versus Comparing

When you compare, versus when you observe, you are not fully present.

If you sit on a friend’s couch and think “this couch is nicer than my couch”, then you are comparing versus truly enjoying your experience, or being present in the moment. In a subtle way, you are thinking about your past experiences on your couch.   If you think “this is a nice couch” then you are more present.

Read these thoughts again and notice how you feel:
“This couch is nicer than my couch”
“This is a nice couch”

Were you calmer, and perhaps more joyful, when you read the second thought?

Comparing and Judgments

When you compare, you are often in judgment of yourself, others, circumstances, feelings or experiences.  Comparing usually makes something better or worse than something else. 

Think about how much time you spend comparing and judging.  What would your day, your life, look and feel like if you were 100% present to what is- without judgments or comparisons?  Would you be more present? Would you be calmer?

Preferences

Preferences are fine; we all have preferences.  I acknowledge you if you aspire to make positive changes in your life.

If your preference is to have an organized office and you see an office that is organized, you may think “what a wonderful, organized office. I’m going to look around for some tips.”  Or you may think “this office is organized and my office is dismal.”  There you are again – back in your messy office.

Comments welcome! The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site.  Your email address will NOT appear.  If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL),  it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit:  Dolorix