Very Smart Girls (tm) » Relationship Communication Skills

“I Hear You” is the new “I Love You”

Jo-Ann Downey — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:23:29 +0000

Have you ever wanted someone to truly feel that you are listening to them? Have you ever wanted to lovingly acknowledge what someone was saying even though you didn’t agree with it? How to you acknowledge feedback from someone, especially if you don’t agree with it?

People want to be Genuinely Seen and Heard

As shared in “Seeing from your Heart”, to truly connect with someone is to see them as a whole and perfect human being, as someone who is always doing their best. To do this, you must feel kindness, compassion, appreciation and reverence for the person…and to do that, you need to get out of your head and into your heart where these feelings reside.

As shared in “5 Tips of How to Listen Effectively”, one tip is to close your mouth! Silence says that you are open to being 100% present in the moment, open to learning, and open to truly understanding the other person’s ideas, feedback, input, thoughts and feelings; it says that you are open to the positive development of the relationship. Silence is underutilized, yet very powerful.

“I hear you”, “I hear what you are saying”, “I hear you and I hear what you are saying”

In addition to nonverbal communication (“The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”), verbally acknowledging a person is an act of kindness and grace. If it is unnecessary to seek clarification through “Communication Checkpoints”, then simply and sincerely say “I hear you”, “I hear what you are saying”, or “I hear you and I hear what you are saying.”

“I Hear You” is the new “I Love You”

When you are truly present with someone and listening to them, in both personal and professional situations, genuinely saying “I hear you” is an act of kindness and compassion. To authentically say “I hear you” has the same energy as if you said “I appreciate you”, “I see you as a divine human being”, “I am connected with you in this moment” – all feelings of love.

You can always say “I Hear You”

Saying “I hear you” is all-embracing. It can be used in personal or professional relationships, with people you know well or with people you encounter in your daily course of life, and in both positive and negative situations. And, ”I hear you” does not indicate or imply that you agree with them or what they are saying! For example, someone may tell you that your hair is too long. You might not agree with them, however, you can acknowledge their opinion by saying “I hear you” or, if authentic, “I hear you and I will take your input into (careful) consideration.” In fact, this may stop a potentially negative or judgmental conversation

Having these 3 word phrase on the tip of your tongue could prove to make your life more positive, authentic, and flowing. You can’t go wrong with genuinely saying “I hear you” to anyone at any time.

Very Smart Girls say “I hear you” every day, even if it is to themselves.

Very Smart Girls know that listening to themselves and their intuition is of the upmost importance.

As always, comments welcome. The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site. Your email address will NOT appear. If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL), it will be linked to your name so that others can learn more about you.

photo credit: mercal crifasi

Actions and Reactions Speak Louder Than Words

Jo-Ann Downey — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 01:55:28 +0000

Have you ever felt like you were getting mixed messages from someone? Has someone’s actions, or reactions, ever surprised you? Have you ever wondered what someone was thinking?

Thought Precedes Action

To get insight into what someone is thinking simply look at their actions because thought precedes action. What people do, especially over time, represents their intentions, priorities, attitudes, and beliefs. Actions are very revealing.

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.” Alfred Adler

“As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” Andrew Carnegie

Actions and Reactions Speak Louder Than Words

As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words because it is easier to talk about something than to actually do something. Actions, in the form of reactions, are particularly insightful because reactions tend to be more spontaneous and less internally censored towards doing the “right” or “acceptable” thing.

“A person’s actions and reactions reflect their inner reality.” Jo-Ann Downey

Actions and reactions speak louder than words; however, words are powerful because they hold intention and create direction from which you make decisions. Please see “Intention Series: What is an Intention? Why are Intentions Important”, “How to Create Powerful Intentions”, or “The Secret Sauce of Intentions”. Clear intentions can guide action, but action (or non-action) brings words into reality.

Mixed Messages or Missed Messages?

If you feel like you are getting mixed messages it is time to ask yourself if you are truly getting mixed messages or if you are ignoring the messages that are present. Like you see in the photograph above, are you trying to make a Stop message into a Start message? Or are you ignoring the Stop message altogether? If you say Stop to someone, what is their reaction? When someone says Stop to you, how do you react? Observing your actions (not taking an action is also an action) and reactions are just as important as observing others. Honesty and courage, with yourself and others, is required.

Harmony exists when actions, reactions, and words match up. Remember not to miss the good messages in your life as well as the challenging ones!

Very Smart Girls don’t miss the real message.

photo credit: richard anderson

5 Tips on How to Listen Effectively

Jo-Ann Downey — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 20:29:06 +0000

When you are talking, or thinking about what you are going to say, you are not 100% open to hear and connect with the person you are with. Effective listening skills foster positive and productive personal and professional relationships.

5 Tips of How to Listen Effectively

1) Close your mouth!

You cannot talk with your mouth closed. As discussed in “Silence is Golden…and Pauses are Too”, saying nothing is saying a lot. Silence says that you are open to being 100% present in the moment, open to learning, and open to truly understanding the other person’s ideas, feedback, input, thoughts and feelings; it says that you are open to the positive development of the relationship.

2) Listen through the eyes and ears of kindness and compassion.

As discussed in “Seeing from your Heart”, to truly connect with someone is to see them as a whole and perfect human being, as someone who is always doing their best. To do this, you must feel kindness, compassion, appreciation and reverence for the person…and to do that, you need to get out of your head and into your heart where these feelings reside.

3) Listen as if you might never have the opportunity to hear that person speak again.

4) Be present- take your judgment glasses off.

As shared in “An Effective Way to be Present- Do Not Compare”, think about how much time you spend comparing and judging. What would your day, your life, your relationships, look and feel like if you were 100% present to what is- without judgments or comparisons? Would you be more present? Would you have more patience and compassion?

5) Be mindful of nonverbal communications- yours and theirs.

As shared in “The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”, to truly hear someone is to also listen and acknowledge their silent messages.

Very Smart Girls listen with their mouths closed and their hearts open.

“The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich (1886-1965)

Comments welcome. The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site. Your email address will NOT appear. If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL), it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: incurable hippie

Open-Ended Questions at Work

Jo-Ann Downey — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 18:23:07 +0000

Since “Open-Ended Questions Build Relationships” is one of our most popular blogs, below are some examples of open-ended versus close-ended questions you can use in the workplace. In many cases, you really do need to give or receive a specific piece of information or to gain commitment (yes/no); however, using open-ended questions facilitates enhanced levels of cooperation, shows respect and interest in others, and assists in creating a positive experience.

As a reminder, open-ended questions (and statements) require more than a one or two word response, have an inviting quality, encourage two-way communication, and typically start with “why”, “how”, or phrases like “I would like to know more about”, “Tell me about”, or “I am interested in hearing more about.”

Manager to Employee

Close-ended question: When can I have the inventory summary report?
Open-ended question: How is the completion of the inventory summary report progressing?

Employee to Manager

Closed-ended question: When do you need the inventory summary report?
Open-ended question: I know you need the inventory summary report for your meeting and I would like to know your timetable.

Peer to Peer

Closed-ended question: What time do you want to meet to discuss the inventory summary report?
Open-ended question: I would like to discuss the inventory summary report at your convenience and would like to know what time works for you.

Employee to Customer

Closed-ended question: When can you send me your inventory summary report?
Open-ended question: Your inventory summary report is important to us in order to credit your account and I was wondering how it is coming along.

Can you feel the difference? And don’t forget to use open-ended questions in your e-mail correspondence. Also, it is always good to check for understanding (“Communication Checkpoints“) and to remember the importance of non-verbal communication (“The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication“).

photo credit: Lynne Featherstone

Communication Checkpoints

Jo-Ann Downey — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 19:18:17 +0000

Have you ever thought that someone didn’t like you because of the way they looked at you? Have you ever received feedback that surprised you during your annual review at work? Did you ever go to a movie with a friend and feel like you had seen different movies?

Personal Filters

Each of us sees life through our own unique filters. Our perceptions are influenced by our beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, personality, interests, feelings, background, goals, priorities, interpretations, wants, needs, and requirements.

I experience life through my green lenses… and I really do see green! You experience life through your blue lenses… and you really do see blue!

Communication Challenges & Opportunities

As shared in “There is No Such Thing as a Table for Two”, with every communication opportunity, there are many dynamics and they can change from minute to minute. For example, your mature self might be talking to someone’s immature self. Your belief that punctuality is important may collide with someone’s nature to be carefree.

On top of that, as shared in “The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”, wordless messages impact 93% of our communication effectiveness; 7% of the total meaning of our communication is from spoken words, 38% is from vocal variables (such as voice tone) and 55% is visual (such as facial expressions).

The good news is that communication checkpoints create a framework for accurate understanding, provides an opportunity to give and receive effective feedback, and builds positive relationships. This is true for both personal and professional relationships.

Communication Checkpoints

According to Dictionary.com, a checkpoint is a point or item, especially in a procedure, for notation, inspection, or confirmation.

Simply stated, you do not know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking, unless you check in with them. Period. Why guess, assume, or try to read someone’s mind? In today’s world of texting, conference calls and other non-face-to-face communication vehicles, perception checking is more important than ever.

How to Communicate, or Perception, Check

Describe what you heard, what you noticed, and/or the behavior you want to understand. Then ask a non-judgmental clarifying question. If possible, open-ended questions are preferable (“Open-Ended Questions Build Relationships”).

∞ “If I hear you correctly, you do not like pasta. Is that accurate?”
∞ “I am not aware of your filling your commitment to do your assignment, how do you feel about that?”
∞ ”I see that you are wringing your hands. Is there something you would like to share?”
∞ “I heard you say that it was OK for me to borrow your car and I heard a sigh. How do you feel about me borrowing your car?”

If you want to check to see if someone has accurately received your communication, you can reverse perception check. For example, “Can you tell me what you heard me say?”

Very Smart Girls are only as sure as their last checkpoint.

Comments welcome! The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site. Your email address will NOT appear. If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL), it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: anne.oeldorfhirsh

Open-Ended Questions Build Relationships

Jo-Ann Downey — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 03:31:05 +0000

Did you do your homework? Did you complete your business plan? Did you get the job you wanted? Did you take out the trash? Do you sometimes feel that someone’s question is really a statement, a request, a judgment, or a directive?

What is an Open-Ended Question?

Unlike closed-ended questions, open-ended questions require more than a one or two word response. Open-ended questions have an inviting quality and they encourage authentic responses and two-way communication in both personal and professional relationships.

Open-ended questions typically start with “why”, “how”, or phrases like “I would like to know more about”, “Tell me about”, or “I am interested in hearing more about.”

Attitude and Intention

As shared in “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good” and “Seeing from your Heart”, where you are coming from (your attitude and intention) impacts the success of your communications and your relationships.

Since closed-ended questions often have a controlling and/or confining quality, it is best to use open-ended questions whenever you can. If you find yourself using closed-ended questions, you can check in with yourself and evaluate your attitude and your intention(s).

Examples of Open-Ended and Closed-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are often phrased as a statement that encourages a response from someone.

Closed-ended question: Is your project on time?
Open-ended question: I am interested in hearing about your project.

Closed-ended question: Do you take Main Street to work?
Open-ended question: How do you drive to work?

Closed-ended question: What is your favorite movie?
Open-ended question: I would love to hear about your favorite movie.

Closed-ended question: Do you like this city?
Open-ended question: What is your impression of this city?

Benefits of using Open-Ended Questions

∞ Facilitates enhanced levels of cooperation and understanding
∞ Provides the opportunity for others to express themselves more openly and honestly
∞ Encourages others to provide information including their ideas, concerns & feelings
∞ Assists in creating a positive learning and sharing experience
∞ Allows others to share what is present for them
∞ Shows respect and interest in others
∞ Encourages others to flow with their thoughts and feelings & allows you to support this flow
∞ Demonstrates your willingness to invest time with others

Very Smart Girls use open-ended questions to build personal and professional relationships. You may want to read “Open-Ended Questions at Work”.

What is your favorite open-ended question? The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site. Your email address will NOT appear. If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL), it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: SirioIG

Needs are Important…Really Important

Jo-Ann Downey — Sun, 16 May 2010 19:37:14 +0000

We all have needs. Are you afraid to express your needs because not expressing them holds a hope inside of you that there is always a chance that you will get what you want? Are you afraid to express your needs because they may not manifest? Do you support or assist others in fulfilling their needs? Wouldn’t it be great to support someone’s needs and put a smile on their face?

Wants, Needs, and Requirements

As shared in “Not All Upsets are Created Equal”, wants are wishes or nice-to-haves. A need is something that is truly important to you, your well-being, and your peace of mind. In personal and professional relationships needs are often negotiable, although we are not always conscious of this opportunity. Requirements are deal breakers and they are not negotiable.

It can be easier to identify and fulfill requirements versus needs because needs have a negotiation factor, it’s easy to minimize your needs (and hence yourself), and there is often a human tendency to put the needs of others first. Oh…and there is the “I don’t want to appear needy” factor as well.

Needs versus Requirements

Try to think of needs as flexible requirements. Honor and respect your needs, and the needs of others, as if they are as important as your deal-breaking requirements. Remember, if your needs are not met, your peace of mind is at risk. When your peace of mind is at risk, your relationships (with yourself and others) are at risk.

Needs are important…really important.

Ways to Identify & Express your Needs

You can spot an unmet need because it often has an emotional component such as fear, anxiety or upset. The first thing is to remember is that you have choices and that needs are worthy of being expressed, supported, and fulfilled. You can fulfill some needs yourself. If others are involved, you can open up a conscious dialogue and discuss possible creative solutions. Naturally, this is best done when everyone involved is calm and centered.

Here are some conversation starters for your consideration:

∞ “Would you be willing to have a conversation about creating a deeper/better/more productive/more harmonious relationship?”

∞ “Would you consider having a conversation with me about my heart’s desire?”

∞ “I would like to understand your needs.”

∞ “I would greatly appreciate it if we could take the time to share our needs with each other.”

It is a great practice to start conversations, especially of this nature, by stating your intention. For example, “My intention is to gracefully express myself to you in a way that has a positive impact on our relationship.” For more information on intentions, see “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good.”

What are your personal and professional needs? Do you ask others what their needs are? How do you support your needs and the needs of people you care about?

Very Smart Girls know, and maturely express, their needs and requirements.

Comments appreciated! The name you type in the comment section (for example, Jo-Ann, Jo-Ann Downey or Jo-Ann from Boston) will appear on the site. Your email address will NOT appear. If you provide a website URL (for example, your business or your blog URL), it will be linked to your name so others can learn more about you.

photo credit: albert law

Not All Upsets are Created Equal

Jo-Ann Downey — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 00:07:55 +0000

An upset is anything that disturbs your peace of mind. However, are all upsets created equal? Is there a way for you to get ahead of your upset curve? Can you laugh off some of your upsets when you see them coming?

Wants, Needs, and Requirements

According to Wikipedia, “Wants are often distinguished from needs. A need is something that is necessary for survival (such as food and shelter), whereas a want is simply something that a person would like to have.”

Wants are a lot like wishes or nice-to-haves; wants are at the low end of the upset totem pole! For example, you may want your partner to be a good cook. Since wants are nice-to-haves, you have the opportunity to let them go with grace and ease, especially if you recognize them as wants. Should you really get upset if your partner is not a good cook, or spills the milk?

A need is something that is truly important to you, your well-being, and your peace of mind; needs often have a functional or emotional component. If your needs are not met, your peace of mind is at risk. When your peace of mind is at risk, your relationships (with yourself and others) are at risk.

In relationships, needs are often negotiable, although we are not always conscious of this opportunity. If you have a need to cook to release and share your creativity, you have the opportunity to negotiate being the cook and your partner can do the dishes.

Requirements are deal breakers and they are not negotiable. Requirements usually relate to your deepest values and intentions- they run much deeper than needs. If your partner sabotages your requirement to eat in a healthy way, you may need to release your relationship.

So What Can You Do?

The first thing is to remember is that you have choices. In both personal and professional relationships, when you feel an upset coming identify the potential upset as an unmet want, need, or requirement. If it is a want, you can choose to let it go. If it is a need, you can fulfill the need yourself or negotiate the fulfillment of the need if others are involved. If it is a requirement, action that is more definitive is usually required on your part.

It is your responsibility to do your best to have your needs and requirements met which means to understand yourself, understand the needs and requirements of others, communicate in a mature way, compromise, and be flexible.

The End Game

The end game is to not be upset…ever. In my experience, you can minimize your upsets when you realize that not all potential upsets are created equal and when you take responsibility for your upsets. Or, rather, you take responsibility for your joys!

photo credit: kristin brenemen

Silence is Golden…and Pauses are Too

Jo-Ann Downey — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 22:00:42 +0000

I invite you to pause and think about this: everything you say, you already know. There isn’t anything you can say that you do not already know, or think that you know. When you are talking, there is very little space for receiving knowledge, input or feedback from another person. Perhaps we were better off as children when we didn’t know as many words!

Silence is a Powerful Communication Tool

As shared in “There is No Such Thing as a Table for Two”, each of us is complex and unique. Even if you do your best to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you truly cannot know exactly what they are thinking or feeling. You can, however, give them the space to openly share with you by practicing silence.

As presented in “The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”, most of what we communicate is nonverbal. Silence is perhaps the most powerful nonverbal communication skill you can use. You cannot be 100% present with another person if you are talking because talking is a mental, or thinking, activity. To be truly present with, and for, another person as shared in “Seeing from your Heart”, you need to get out of your head and into your heart.

Silence Says a Lot

Saying nothing is saying a lot. Silence says that you are open to being 100% present in the moment, open to learning, and open to truly understanding the other person’s ideas, feedback, input, thoughts and feelings; it says that you are open to the positive development of the relationship.

“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.” Proverb

Practice Silence each Day – 3-5 second Pauses

Practicing silence does not need to be taken to an extreme – talking is an important and necessary part of life and successful personal and professional relationships. One way to use the power of silence is to pause in silence for 3-5 seconds after someone finishes their train of thought. This gives them the space to continue, or to go deeper within themselves, and to share more with you. In reality, you don’t know when they are complete with a thought anyway, so this would mean you would practice more and more silence!

At the same time, you can wait 3-5 seconds after you complete a thought before moving on to your next thought. This space gives the other person the opportunity to provide you with input.

Very Smart Girls share more by talking less.

photo credit: jos dielis

Seeing from your Heart

Jo-Ann Downey — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 02:44:28 +0000

What do you see when you look at someone? Do you focus on their physical attributes, their clothes, their circumstances, their behavior or their beliefs? When you see through “thinking eyes” it is easy to judge situations and people.

Thinking Eyes versus Seeing from your Heart

When you see someone primarily with “thinking eyes” you tend to do things like compare, contrast, project past experiences into the future, play old stories in your head, insert your own preferences and judge. You are likely to want to take action and/or control or fix someone or something.

To see someone as a whole and perfect human being, as someone who is always doing their best, you must feel kindness, compassion, appreciation and reverence. To do that, you need to get out of your head and into your heart where these feelings reside. You need to see from your heart.

“The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.” Charles H. Perkhurst

Nonverbal Communication

As shared in “The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”, 93% of the message you send is through nonverbal communication such as body language, voice tone, gestures and facial expressions. How you truly see others and what messages you send is primarily a silent effort; words only count for 7% of the message you send. Where you are coming from is far more important than what you say.

Nonverbal communication is a two-way street. To truly hear someone is to also listen and acknowledge their silent messages.

Attitude and Intention

As shared in “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good”, the great news is that you have complete control over 2 powerful relationship communication skills, your attitude and your intentions. Are you willing to set an intention to truly see, and be with others, from a place of acceptance and unconditional kindness? Can you see, and be with, yourself in the same way?

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dalai Lama

Very Smart Girls see from their heart.

photo credit: marimoon