Did you do your homework?  Did you complete your business plan?  Did you get the job you wanted?  Did you take out the trash? Do you sometimes feel that someone’s question is really a statement, a request, a judgment, or a directive?  

What is an Open-Ended Question?

Unlike closed-ended questions, open-ended questions require more than a one or two word response.  Open-ended questions have an inviting quality and they encourage authentic responses and two-way communication in both personal and professional relationships.    

Open-ended questions typically start with “why”, “how”, or phrases like “I would like to know more about”, “Tell me about”, or “I am interested in hearing more about.”   

Attitude and Intention

As shared in “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good” and “Seeing from your Heart”, where you are coming from (your attitude and intention) impacts the success of your communications and your relationships. 

Since closed-ended questions often have a controlling and/or confining quality, it is best to use open-ended questions whenever you can.  If you find yourself using closed-ended questions, you can check in with yourself and evaluate your attitude and your intention(s).

Examples of Open-Ended and Closed-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are often phrased as a statement that encourages a response from someone.  

Closed-ended question:  Is your project on time?
Open-ended question:  I am interested in hearing about your project.

Closed-ended question:  Do you take Main Street to work? 
Open-ended question:  How do you drive to work?

Closed-ended question: What is your favorite movie?
Open-ended question:  I would love to hear about your favorite movie.

Closed-ended question:  Do you like this city?
Open-ended question:  What is your impression of this city?

Benefits of using Open-Ended Questions

∞  Facilitates enhanced levels of cooperation and understanding
∞  Provides the opportunity for others to express themselves more openly and honestly 
∞  Encourages others to provide information including their ideas, concerns & feelings
∞  Assists in creating a positive learning and sharing experience  
∞  Allows others to share what is present for them 
∞  Shows respect and interest in others
∞  Encourages others to flow with their thoughts and feelings & allows you to support this flow
∞  Demonstrates your willingness to invest time with others

Very Smart Girls use open-ended questions to build personal and professional relationships.

What is your favorite open-ended question?

photo credit: SirioIG

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1. When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good

We all have needs.  Are you afraid to express your needs because not expressing them holds a hope inside of you that there is always a chance that you will get what you want? Are you afraid to express your needs because they may not manifest?  Do you support or assist others in fulfilling their needs? Wouldn’t it be great to support someone’s needs and put a smile on their face?

Wants, Needs, and Requirements

As shared in “Not All Upsets are Created Equal”, wants are wishes or nice-to-haves.  A need is something that is truly important to you, your well-being, and your peace of mind.  In personal and professional relationships needs are often negotiable, although we are not always conscious of this opportunity.  Requirements are deal breakers and they are not negotiable.

It can be easier to identify and fulfill requirements versus needs because needs have a negotiation factor, it’s easy to minimize your needs (and hence yourself), and there is often a human tendency to put the needs of others first.  Oh…and there is the “I don’t want to appear needy” factor as well. 

Needs versus Requirements

Try to think of needs as flexible requirements.  Honor and respect your needs, and the needs of others, as if they are as important as your deal-breaking requirements.  Remember, if your needs are not met, your peace of mind is at risk.  When your peace of mind is at risk, your relationships (with yourself and others) are at risk.  

Needs are important…really important.   

Ways to Identify & Express your Needs

You can spot an unmet need because it often has an emotional component such as fear, anxiety or upset.  The first thing is to remember is that you have choices and that needs are worthy of being expressed, supported, and fulfilled.  You can fulfill some needs yourself.  If others are involved, you can open up a conscious dialogue and discuss possible creative solutions.  Naturally, this is best done when everyone involved is calm and centered. 

Here are some conversation starters for your consideration:

∞ “Would you be willing to have a conversation about creating a deeper/better/more productive/more  harmonious relationship?”

∞ “Would you consider having a conversation with me about my heart’s desire?”

∞ “I would like to understand your needs.”

∞ “I would greatly appreciate it if we could take the time to share our needs with each other.”

It is a great practice to start conversations, especially of this nature, by stating your intention.  For example, “My intention is to gracefully express myself to you in a way that has a positive impact on our relationship.”  For more information on intentions, see “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good.”

What are your personal and professional needs?  Do you ask others what their needs are?  How do you support your needs and the needs of people you care about?

Very Smart Girls know, and maturely express, their needs and requirements.

Comments appreciated!

photo credit: albert law

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1. Not All Upsets are Created Equal

An upset is anything that disturbs your peace of mind.  However, are all upsets created equal?  Is there a way for you to get ahead of your upset curve?  Can you laugh off some of your upsets when you see them coming?

Wants, Needs, and Requirements

According to Wikipedia, “Wants are often distinguished from needs. A need is something that is necessary for survival (such as food and shelter), whereas a want is simply something that a person would like to have.”

Wants are a lot like wishes or nice-to-haves; wants are at the low end of the upset totem pole!  For example, you may want your partner to be a good cook. Since wants are nice-to-haves, you have the opportunity to let them go with grace and ease, especially if you recognize them as wants. Should you really get upset if your partner is not a good cook, or spills the milk? 

A need is something that is truly important to you, your well-being, and your peace of mind; needs often have a functional or emotional component.  If your needs are not met, your peace of mind is at risk.  When your peace of mind is at risk, your relationships (with yourself and others) are at risk.   

In relationships, needs are often negotiable, although we are not always conscious of this opportunity.  If you have a need to cook to release and share your creativity, you have the opportunity to negotiate being the cook and your partner can do the dishes. 

Requirements are deal breakers and they are not negotiable. Requirements usually relate to your deepest values and intentions- they run much deeper than needs.  If your partner sabotages your requirement to eat in a healthy way, you may need to release your relationship. 

So What Can You Do?

The first thing is to remember is that you have choices.  In both personal and professional relationships, when you feel an upset coming  identify the potential upset as an unmet want, need, or requirement.  If it is a want, you can choose to let it go.  If it is a need, you can fulfill the need yourself or negotiate the fulfillment of the need if others are involved.  If it is a requirement, action that is more definitive is usually required on your part.  

It is your responsibility to do your best to have your needs and requirements met which means to understand yourself, understand the needs and requirements of others, communicate in a mature way, compromise, and be flexible.

The End Game

The end game is to not be upset…ever.  In my experience, you can minimize your upsets when you realize that not all potential upsets are created equal and when you take responsibility for your upsets.  Or, rather, you take responsibility for your joys!

Comments welcome.

photo credit: kristin brenemen

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1. Needs are Important…Really Important

I invite you to pause and think about this: everything you say, you already know.  There isn’t anything you can say that you do not already know, or think that you know.  When you are talking, there is very little space for receiving knowledge, input or feedback from another person. Perhaps we were better off as children when we didn’t know as many words!

Silence is a Powerful Communication Tool

As shared in “There is No Such Thing as a Table for Two”, each of us is complex and unique.  Even if you do your best to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you truly cannot know exactly what they are thinking or feeling.  You can, however, give them the space to openly share with you by practicing silence. 

As presented in “The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”, most of what we communicate is nonverbal.  Silence is perhaps the most powerful nonverbal communication skill you can use.  You cannot be 100% present with another person if you are talking because talking is a mental, or thinking, activity.  To be truly present with, and for, another person as shared in “Seeing from your Heart”, you need to get out of your head and into your heart.

Silence Says a Lot

Saying nothing is saying a lot. Silence says that you are open to being 100% present in the moment, open to learning, and open to truly understanding the other person’s ideas, feedback, input, thoughts and feelings; it says that you are open to the positive development of the relationship.

“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.”  Proverb

Practice Silence each Day – 3-5 second Pauses

Practicing silence does not need to be taken to an extreme – talking is an important and necessary part of life and successful personal and professional relationships.  One way to use the power of silence is to pause in silence for 3-5 seconds after someone finishes their train of thought.  This gives them the space to continue, or to go deeper within themselves, and to share more with you.  In reality, you don’t know when they are complete with a thought anyway, so this would mean you would practice more and more silence!

At the same time, you can wait 3-5 seconds after you complete a thought before moving on to your next thought.  This space gives the other person the opportunity to provide you with input. 

Very Smart Girls share more by talking less.

photo credit: jos dielis

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1. Quotes about Silence
2. There is No Such Thing as a Table for Two
3. The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication

What do you see when you look at someone?  Do you focus on their physical attributes, their clothes, their circumstances, their behavior or their beliefs?  When you see through “thinking eyes” it is easy to judge situations and people.  

Thinking Eyes versus Seeing from your Heart

When you see someone primarily with “thinking eyes” you tend to do things like compare, contrast, project past experiences into the future, play old stories in your head, insert your own preferences and judge.  You are likely to want to take action and/or control or fix someone or something. 

To see someone as a whole and perfect human being, as someone who is always doing their best, you must feel kindness, compassion, appreciation and reverence. To do that, you need to get out of your head and into your heart where these feelings reside.  You need to see from your heart. 

“The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.” Charles H. Perkhurst

Nonverbal Communication

As shared in “The 93% Impact of Nonverbal Communication”, 93% of the message you send is through nonverbal communication such as body language, voice tone, gestures and facial expressions.  How you truly see others and what messages you send is primarily a silent effort; words only count for 7% of the message you send.  Where you are coming from is far more important than what you say.

Nonverbal communication is a two-way street.  To truly hear someone is to also listen and acknowledge their silent messages.

Attitude and Intention

As shared in “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good”, the great news is that you have complete control over 2 powerful relationship communication skills, your attitude and your intentions.  Are you willing to set an intention to truly see, and be with others, from a place of acceptance and unconditional kindness?  Can you see, and be with, yourself in the same way?

“Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible.”  Dalai Lama

Very Smart Girls see from their heart.

photo credit: marimoon

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Have you ever wanted someone to feel differently?  Have you ever told someone they should not feel a certain way? How do you feel when someone does not acknowledge, accept or value the way you feel?

Feelings are Non-Negotiable

If someone is feeling a certain way, the feeling is real.  You know the feeling is real because they are experiencing the feeling – it’s here!  Feelings are not negotiable.  You may genuinely want someone to feel a different way; however, it is selfish and illogical to try to change reality to match your preference.

Do not be in the business of trying to talk someone out of their feelings!

When someone tells you how they feel, sincerely saying “I hear you and I hear what you are saying” is powerful. This statement encourages an honest, non-judgmental, supportive and positive experience for both parties.  It is a remarkable statement because you focus on hearing them, hopefully they feel heard, and you are not agreeing or disagreeing with them.

Willingness, Flexibility & Choices

To experience more positive relationships you can choose to create the best possible environment for success. If someone tells you they are frustrated when you do a certain thing, you can choose to be considerate of (not responsible for) their feelings.  You may not agree with how they interpret a particular situation; however, you can choose to modify your behavior in ways that are reasonable (to you), caring and sincere.  It is not about trying to manage, control or be responsible for someone’s feelings. It is about genuinely taking someone’s feelings, needs and feedback under careful consideration. 

Mutually and maturely sharing feelings, with the goal of a positive outcome, is a cornerstone to relationship success and personal growth.

Feelings & Responsibility

Even if you consciously create an environment that is favorable to more positive outcomes, you are not responsible for the feelings of others.  You are only responsible for your feelings. What does it mean to be responsible for your feelings?  You acknowledge, feel, accept (without judgment), understand, manage and appropriately express your feelings.  A tall order indeed, but worth it!

∞ Very Smart Girls know that feelings are non-negotiable
∞ Very Smart Girls are not in the business of trying to talk people out of their feelings
∞ Very Smart Girls do not talk themselves out of their feelings

 I welcome your comments.

photo credit: Geir Halvorsen

How do we send, receive and evaluate messages? Is the message you want to send, the message that is likely to be received?  Studies show that spoken words account for only 7% of the total meaning of our communication; 93% of communication is nonverbal!

Verbal versus Nonverbal Communication

Albert Mehrabian, Ph.D., is known for his studies on the relative importance of verbal and nonverbal communication.  He formulated the 7%-38%-55% rule: 7% of the total meaning of our communication is from spoken words, 38% is from vocal variables (such as voice tone) and 55% is visual (such as facial expressions).  Wordless messages impact 93% of our communication effectiveness.

Your actions, attitude and intentions are more important than what you say.  Naturally, this applies to both your personal and professional relationships.

Communication= Verbal + Vocal (how you say it, the tone implied if the delivery of words) + Visual (body language, facial expressions)

Types of Nonverbal Communication

∞         Touch (a pat on the back, holding hands)
∞         Gestures (a nod, a wink)
∞         Facial expressions (a smile, a frown)
∞         Eye contact (direct versus indirect- up/down/sideways, blink rate)
∞         Body movements (smooth, erratic)
∞         Body language/posture (crossed arms, leaning forward, hands tightly clasped)
∞         Personal effect (clothing, hairstyle)
∞         Voice quality, tone, pace and noises (grunts, sighs)

Cultural and environmental factors (lighting, room temperature) also influence communication results.

Nonverbal Communication- Observe yourself, Observe others, Take action

Take an objective and honest look at yourself and others. Are you fully present with yourself and the person you are with? Are you sending, or receiving, conflicting messages? If you observe yourself in a closed body position, such as having your arms crossed, are you willing to uncross your arms and see what happens?   If you notice that someone’s body posture is closed, are you willing to open up a dialogue? For example, “ I sense that you might be uncomfortable, is that accurate?” 

You may want to change a verbal or nonverbal communication habit by using a 33 day process.  Please refer to “2 Essential Guidelines to Create a New Habit” and “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good.”

Remember, words are important too.  Words have energy, and listening skills are critical for effective communication.  Very Smart Girls use verbal and nonverbal communication skills wisely.

As always, I am interested in your thoughts.  Comments welcome!

photo credit: Ed Yourdon

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Have you noticed that even if something in your life is not going well, when your relationships are good, you feel better and more complete in the world?  When your relationships are good, your life is good.  The great news is that you control 2 powerful relationship skills- your attitude and your intentions.

Relationship Skill: Positive Attitude

There are almost 7 billion people in the world.  Yes, 7 billion.  The land mass of earth is 45 million square miles. The fact that you are in the same place, at the same time, with a particular person is an extraordinary occurrence. Be conscious of how remarkable it is to be with the person you are with.

Go into every encounter with another person with positive attitude- a willingness, a state of mind and a vision for a constructive outcome. Bring forward your supportive and constructive qualities – love, joy, compassion, kindness, patience, honesty, respect and gratitude.  Bring forward these qualities in service to yourself and the other person. 

 “Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible.” Dalai Lama

Relationship Skill: Set Clear Intentions

An intention is a clear and positive statement of an outcome you want to experience. Your intentions guide your thoughts, attitude and actions; therefore, your intentions influence the outcome of your desired experience.  Don’t leave intentions up to chance!

Before you meet someone, or talk to someone on the telephone, take a few seconds and silently create an intention.  If you are comfortable stating your intention to the other person, great.  Formulate your intention in a proactive and positive (versus negative) way; express what you want to experience versus what you don’t want to experience. 

An example of a negative intention: It is my intention not to get mad at my friend during lunch today.  The positive would be: It is my intention to be lovingly present with my friend during lunch today. 

Below are some relationship intentions for your consideration: 

∞ It is my intention to have positive thoughts, words and actions with my daughter today.
∞ It is my intention to easily and gracefully experience joy & connectedness with my co-workers.
∞ It is my intention to easily, calmly and gracefully share my feelings with my partner.
∞ It is my intention to be kind, no matter what, with everyone I am with today.

It is my intention to see the divine essence in everyone. I invite you to share a relationship intention and begin the process of experiencing it!  

photo credit: mrvklaw

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2. Needs are Important…Really Important
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Each of us is complex and unique.  Even if there are only 2 people together, let’s say sharing a meal, There is No Such Thing as a Table for Two!  The intention of this article is to increase your awareness about relationship dynamics and the need for effective relationship communication skills.  Let’s go.

Effective Communication – How many people are here?

You have many aspects of yourself- your joyful self, your upset self, your mature self, your immature self, your perceptions, your beliefs, who you think you are, who you think the other person is, etc.

Now think about the fact that the person you are with also has many aspects- their joyful self, their upset self, their mature self, their immature self, their perceptions, their beliefs, who they think they are, who they think you are, etc.

The list is probably infinite and some aspects of yourself, and others, have more “juice” than others.  Clearly, there is a lot going on.

Relationship Communication- Who is Talking to Who?

With every communication opportunity, there are many dynamics and they can change from minute to minute.

For example, your mature self might be talking to someone’s immature self.  Your belief that punctuality is important may collide with someone’s nature to be carefree.

You should probably assume that you just don’t know exactly what is going on (perhaps even with yourself), so listen well – to yourself and others.

Relationship Communication Awareness

Accurate communication is tough.  Your awareness that There is no Such Thing as a Table for Two should help you be more understanding of others which puts you on the right track for more effective communications.

After all, don’t we all want to be truly heard and to truly hear others?

Comments welcome!

photo credit: Greg Halvorsen

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2. Not All Upsets are Created Equal