Have you ever wanted someone to feel differently? Have you ever told someone they should not feel a certain way? How do you feel when someone does not acknowledge, accept or value the way you feel?
Feelings are Non-Negotiable
If someone is feeling a certain way, the feeling is real. You know the feeling is real because they are experiencing the feeling – it’s here! Feelings are not negotiable. You may genuinely want someone to feel a different way; however, it is selfish and illogical to try to change reality to match your preference.
Do not be in the business of trying to talk someone out of their feelings!
When someone tells you how they feel, sincerely saying “I hear you and I hear what you are saying” is powerful. This statement encourages an honest, non-judgmental, supportive and positive experience for both parties. It is a remarkable statement because you focus on hearing them, hopefully they feel heard, and you are not agreeing or disagreeing with them.
Willingness, Flexibility & Choices
To experience more positive relationships you can choose to create the best possible environment for success. If someone tells you they are frustrated when you do a certain thing, you can choose to be considerate of (not responsible for) their feelings. You may not agree with how they interpret a particular situation; however, you can choose to modify your behavior in ways that are reasonable (to you), caring and sincere. It is not about trying to manage, control or be responsible for someone’s feelings. It is about genuinely taking someone’s feelings, needs and feedback under careful consideration.
Mutually and maturely sharing feelings, with the goal of a positive outcome, is a cornerstone to relationship success and personal growth.
Feelings & Responsibility
Even if you consciously create an environment that is favorable to more positive outcomes, you are not responsible for the feelings of others. You are only responsible for your feelings. What does it mean to be responsible for your feelings? You acknowledge, feel, accept (without judgment), understand, manage and appropriately express your feelings. A tall order indeed, but worth it!
∞ Very Smart Girls know that feelings are non-negotiable
∞ Very Smart Girls are not in the business of trying to talk people out of their feelings
∞ Very Smart Girls do not talk themselves out of their feelings
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photo credit: Geir Halvorsen
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
nice article…”You are only responsible for your feelings. ” SO true…
xxoo
Thank you for your support and feedback. It’s so easy to look outside for what is really going on inside
Hi JD –
I am neither smart (heh) nor a woman, but you are spot on with your article. If found this especially true when dealing with people who have large generational gaps between them. You may never *understand* what they are going through, so you have to take their feelings for granted. Not that I am always able to put this into practice, but I am getting there
Ryan,
Thank you, you Super Smart Guy! We are all doing our best each day
I agree with Ryan, that generational (and cultural) gaps can leave people questioning the validity of each other’s feelings. It’s not uncommon for parents, particularly those born in another culture, to find their teenager’s behavior confusing and even disturbing. When it comes to creating healthy relationships, Emotional Intelligence may be even more important than a high IQ. Self-reflection is an important tool for detoxifying troubling or negative experiences and cultivating Emotional Intelligence. Reflection allows you to figure out what about the situation is unpleasant, to understand why, and then to come up with possible ways of dealing more effectively with similar experiences in the future. It’s vital that parent and teenagers understand their world, and not merely react to it.
Sandra,
I wholeheartedly agree! Emotional intelligence, emotional maturity and emotional mastery are vital components to successful relationships with yourself and with others. For those interesting in learning more, Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman is a good book.
Jo-Ann:
I like how my self-esteem increases when I take responsibility for my feelings.
Marc,
I never thought about that aspect. It’s so true. Thank you!
Jo-Ann,
Loved this article and how very true. It is a nice feeling when you can be honest about your feelings and not be judged for them. I like that you said “maturely sharing your feelings” because I think it is also sometimes the way the feelings are expressed.
Nice job once again
Roxanne,
Thank you for pointing out that how we express our feelings (maturely) is very important. Not easy to do at times, but important.