We all have needs. Are you afraid to express your needs because not expressing them holds a hope inside of you that there is always a chance that you will get what you want? Are you afraid to express your needs because they may not manifest? Do you support or assist others in fulfilling their needs? Wouldn’t it be great to support someone’s needs and put a smile on their face?
Wants, Needs, and Requirements
As shared in “Not All Upsets are Created Equal”, wants are wishes or nice-to-haves. A need is something that is truly important to you, your well-being, and your peace of mind. In personal and professional relationships needs are often negotiable, although we are not always conscious of this opportunity. Requirements are deal breakers and they are not negotiable.
It can be easier to identify and fulfill requirements versus needs because needs have a negotiation factor, it’s easy to minimize your needs (and hence yourself), and there is often a human tendency to put the needs of others first. Oh…and there is the “I don’t want to appear needy” factor as well.
Needs versus Requirements
Try to think of needs as flexible requirements. Honor and respect your needs, and the needs of others, as if they are as important as your deal-breaking requirements. Remember, if your needs are not met, your peace of mind is at risk. When your peace of mind is at risk, your relationships (with yourself and others) are at risk.
Needs are important…really important.
Ways to Identify & Express your Needs
You can spot an unmet need because it often has an emotional component such as fear, anxiety or upset. The first thing is to remember is that you have choices and that needs are worthy of being expressed, supported, and fulfilled. You can fulfill some needs yourself. If others are involved, you can open up a conscious dialogue and discuss possible creative solutions. Naturally, this is best done when everyone involved is calm and centered.
Here are some conversation starters for your consideration:
∞ “Would you be willing to have a conversation about creating a deeper/better/more productive/more harmonious relationship?”
∞ “Would you consider having a conversation with me about my heart’s desire?”
∞ “I would like to understand your needs.”
∞ “I would greatly appreciate it if we could take the time to share our needs with each other.”
It is a great practice to start conversations, especially of this nature, by stating your intention. For example, “My intention is to gracefully express myself to you in a way that has a positive impact on our relationship.” For more information on intentions, see “When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good.”
What are your personal and professional needs? Do you ask others what their needs are? How do you support your needs and the needs of people you care about?
Very Smart Girls know, and maturely express, their needs and requirements.
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photo credit: albert law
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Jo-Ann,
Loved this. As you stated I think we all should be aware of our needs, but often forget others have needs also. Liked the suggestions for expressing your needs. Nice job once again.
Roxanne
Roxanne,
Jo-Ann
Thank you! I had an experience the other day to gracefully express my needs, however, my timing was a little off. I am now more conscious to check in with the other person (and watch for non-verbal communication signs) before having a potentially “deep” conversation
Dear Jo-Ann,
I have an urge to express my needs to my girlfriend and at the same time I don’t want to put pressure on her as I want to be there for her as she’s going through a rough time at this stage of her life. I’m scared to add to her rough times and worry about me while she has other things to worry about. The main problem with me is that I am a strong believer of things coming naturally, I don’t want to ask for anything if it’s not there. I need it so much though and I need it to come naturally so much, too. I’m stuck.
Sasha,
Great awareness and I agree with you. In my experience, timing (pay special attention to non-verbal communication skills), seeking agreement from the other person before you give feedback, seeing where you are coming from (a peaceful place), and setting clear intentions are important elements to successful communication. I so much hear you Sasha and I hear how much you care about this person and the relationship. It sounds like you are holding a beautiful, open space for when the right time comes (versus being completely stuck), and it sounds like you will know exactly when the right time is- I acknowledge your intuition and keen awareness about timing.